that shall be queen hereafter

I'm referring, of course, to Star Wars.

I just had a friend over who only recently binge-watched the original trilogy and had somehow managed to get through the last few months without getting spoiled for The Force Awakens. So we watched TFA and I got to witness her flailing and shrieking and gasping over the Ben Solo reveal (the minutes leading up to Han's death consisted of repeated mutterings of "No, no, no, don't you dare--"). It was pretty fun, and since we were on a Star Wars high we decided to start on the prequel movies, which she also hadn't seen. Cue The Phantom Menace.

Now, you have to understand something here. I grew up with six Star Wars movies. I grew up watching both the original trilogy and the prequels (originals first, of course--some things are sacred); the only one I actually remember coming out is Revenge of the Sith, and even then I was too young to really care about seeing it in theaters. There was never a divide for me between the "original" and the "new" movies. Star Wars was Star Wars.

And yeah, I've spent a fair amount of time since then reading meta on how terrible the prequels are on almost every level. And I could accept a lot of those arguments from memory alone (you ave to admit that the romance writing is unforgettably bad). But they remained fixed in my mind as decent movies--flawed, definitely, but enjoyable.

And then I rewatched TPM tonight, for the first time in years.

Hoo boy.

( how could this happen to meee )

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A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…

In an alternate universe, Emperor Palpatine has long since realized that Anakin Skywalker may be too loyal to the Jedi order to fully embrace the Dark Side of the Force. Deciding not to risk his delicate plans on Anakin, he continues to play the part of the humble senator and bide his time, awaiting a replacement.

Meanwhile, the birth of Anakin’s children has caused his marriage to Padme to be revealed, and he has been removed from the Jedi Order. The couple has settled on Naboo to raise their children—the twins Luke and Leia.

As the years pass it becomes clear to Anakin and Padme that the children are very Force-sensitive. They ultimately make the decision to send Luke and Leia to the Jedi Academy, to be trained in the use of their powers and defend the galaxy like their father before them.

Both twins adapt quickly and become skilled in the ways of the Force. Control comes especially easy for Leia, who is eventually chosen by Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi to be his Padawan. Her brother Luke, proud but still somewhat jealous of his sister, finds an unexpected ally in the aging Senator Palpatine. The senator encourages him and pushes him, leading Luke to discover power within himself he never thought possible.

Little does Luke know that he is fast falling into a trap. The Dark Side can easily sway an idealistic and impetuous young mind; it almost did so with Luke’s father, and Emperor Palpatine does not plan to fail a second time…